1. Wasn’t I supposed to start thinking less? Clearly this mindfulness thing is a work in progress.
2. Getting over the sudden removal of someone significant from my life is like trying to quit heroin cold turkey. The withdrawal is a serious bitch, and there’s no clear ending to it while you’re in it, so it’s no surprise that most people deal with this by numbing themselves with drugs, alcohol, sex, workaholism, or finding a quick replacement for what they no longer have. Trying to get through this process alone, with no emotional/physical methadone, is not for pussies. It’s fucking hard. You’re stripping your house down to the studs and exposing it to the elements–rain, snow, sun, wind, and insects. Those elements eat you alive for a while.
That was two metaphors, wasn’t it? My bad.
But doing it this way–the hard way, the alone way–is deeply transformative, and ironically, it’s that personal transformation, that evolution that ultimately gives one’s former relationship its meaning and purpose, two things I’ve been trying to figure out for months now. It’s hard to see this transformation in real time because it’s a slow-moving, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week reward. I’m not saying I’m there yet. I’m not. It’s two steps forward, one step back most of the time. But I’m definitely feeling a shift in myself. I’m getting there.
Even though I hate the emotional teardowns that I encounter in life (and not all of them involved the ending of relationships; some involved other types of losses–losing my father, the death of my dog Angus eight years ago this week–or professional setbacks, of which I’ve had my share), I’m always grateful for these teardowns eventually, because they’re the grindstones that made me the man I am. They’ve forced me to take a hard look at myself, who I really am (like really, not the grown man with the humor and sarcasm masks on, the little boy underneath them) and what’s motivating me in life. What are my core beliefs about myself that are driving my decision-making? Are they all good, or are some of them counterproductive or false and in need of change? Am I repeating negative patterns that are making me unhappy? How? Why?
I never ask these hard questions when I’m in a good emotional place in life. It’s only when things fall apart that I ask them. I think the same is true of most people. I’ve been here before, and deep down, beneath all of my surface emotions and angst, I know that what comes after these teardowns, this pain, this withdrawal, is nothing short of magical.
Restoration. Clarity. Increased authenticity. Self-value. Self-Awareness. Wisdom. Strength.
Right, Sia?
Ultimately, it’s these hard-earned rewards that lend meaning and purpose to my prior relationships. Not the people I was with, or the experiences I shared with them, but the lessons I learned about life and myself and the transformation and increased emotional intelligence that came after. Mental teardowns, pain, and withdrawal are a part of this metamorphosis, unfortunately. My Butterfly will glide in later.
3. Dating apps have never been more criticized and with good reason. The vast majority of people aren’t on them for the right reasons and it feels almost impossible for two people to align physically, politically, and geographically. The most attractive people get dozens of messages and suffer from FOMO and what’s around the corner syndrome, so they don’t take anyone seriously. Everyone’s seemingly disposable. All of this is contributing to a new appetite on the part of dating app-ers to “meet people in the wild,” just like the old days. But this isn’t easy either, particularly when you don’t live in a big city and aren’t around many single people on a daily basis. Approaching people isn’t easy either, although I must say I’ve never felt so inoculated against rejection.
Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of men and women on TikTok who discuss their dating experiences are using their videos to attract potential mates in the comments. I’ve avoided posting videos on TikTok because of the creeper factor and because I’d prefer not to have a public record of myself saying anything on camera. That shit lasts forever, and my tweets are bad enough, for fuck’s sake. But maybe I’m missing a potential social opportunity here. Maybe I need to rethink this. I don’t have many followers (most are probably bots), but I do occasionally comment on other people’s videos when they strike a chord, and sometimes women like my comments. Who knows if they look at my barebones profile afterwards, but maybe I should post a video or two to see where it leads? Maybe I should post a short video here. Food for thought.
4. My friend Anne died in a motorcycle accident 32 years ago this week. She was only 24 years old, and I feel her presence most strongly in May every year. (I love May, but it’s a month of loss for me.) Anne lived around the corner from me as a kid. We were the same age, and she was the first friend I ever made in my life (apart from Sister J). Right before she died, we had just seen each other after a long separation, so her sudden death at such a young age affected me profoundly. At some point, I’ll do a post dedicated exclusively to her, so I’m not going to say too much now. With the passing years and all my middle-aged obligations, I think of her less than I used to, but her death was definitely a milestone in my life. I was 24 years-old myself when she died, and her death was the first time I lost someone really close to me. It was also the first time that I perceived my own mortality because it hit so close to home (literally). In many ways, I feel like I’ve been in a hurry and living even more in my head ever since.
I think there are two kinds of people in this world: people who haven’t lost people they care about, or who aren’t impacted by these losses for whatever reason, and people who have lost people, and who are very much changed by these losses. I’m definitely in the latter category.
5. The office building I work in just told us that they’re putting in a gym, and we’ll be able to start using it in the fall. I’m extremely pleased by this news, and not just because I may see our extremely attractive and way-too-young-for-me receptionist working out down there. If I can squeeze in another workout or two in a week, it will expedite my body glow up, which is in process because it’s almost bikini weather.
6. American law firms and employers in other industries are in the process of creating a McCarthy-style blacklist of college students and graduate students who engage in pro-Palestinian protests. Anyone participating in these protests, anyone protesting Israel’s indiscriminate slaughter of civilians, in public or on social media runs a significant risk of not being hired for a job one day. I’ve never seen anything like it in my lifetime, and I continue to be gobsmacked at the ethical pass Israel gets in this country, and the massive pressure there is on Americans not to call out Israel’s ethnic cleansing, war crimes, and genocide, not to dissent, not to protest, and to simply accept these horrific things because the powers that be, including future employers, require it.
A few days ago, I saw a video of a frantic Palestinian medic in Rafah carrying a kid who looked to be five or six years old. The boy had the top part of his skull hanging off, with his brain exposed. He was bleeding everywhere. I couldn’t tell if he was dead or alive, but from the severity of his injuries, it was clear to me that he was better off dead.
Israel has done this to 15,000 children in the past 7 months. It has murdered 15,000 children. It has also murdered 50,000 Palestinians, a massive killing spree that we haven’t seen in decades, a massive killing spree that’s been enthusiastically supported by the United States. THIS is why so many Americans and people around the world are protesting, not because they’re antisemitic or pro-Hamas. In fact, calling protestors antisemitic and pro-Hamas is a rhetorical gaslighting tactic adopted by Israel and its supporters to intimidate people and quash legitimate dissent in the face of Israel’s war crimes, ethnic cleansing, and genocide. It’s a fucking joke. Fuck all of them hard.
And so now a blacklist is coming for all those college students and law students who are protesting on the street and on social media. Thanks to my tweets and anti-Israel posts here, I’m sure I would have difficulty getting hired at any major law firm today, even though I am not antisemitic at all, or ‘pro-Hamas.’ I’m pro-JUSTICE. Palestinians have suffered injustice at Israel’s and the United States’ hands for decades and long before Hamas ever existed. But try convincing your average low-information American of this. The current environment is beyond fucked up, and I think I’m understanding for the first time in my life how propaganda really works, and how the United States is not immune from it. Quite the opposite. Propaganda feeds the empire.
Today Norway, Spain, and Ireland just recognized the State of Palestine. This would not have happened, at least not this quickly, without Israel’s war crimes after 10/7. Bless them all. I hope more countries follow suit. 146 out of 193 U.N. countries have recognized the State of Palestine, so who’s on the wrong side of history? The United States and Israel are.
If you wonder what you would have said and how you would have acted during WWII, the Holocaust, the Civil Rights movement, or the Vietnam War, take a look in the mirror about the Gaza War and Palestinian sovereignty, look at what you’ve said publicly and what you haven’t, and you’ll have your answer. Don’t give a shit about any of this? Think it involves people far away who have nothing to do with you, so it’s not your problem? There’s your answer.
7. I’m convinced I’m going to be renting until my daughter is in college. The housing market in my town is beyond stupid right now. There’s virtually no inventory, so when a decent house comes on the market, people jump on it like frenzied piranha. Example: someone just paid over $1,000,000 in cash for a well-maintained, 1800 square foot, 3 BR, 2 bathroom house down the street that I liked, which was listed for $859,000, has three sump pumps, and a small lot . They also waived inspection and all contingencies. It’s fucking insane, and it makes me wish I still had my old house so I could list it. I would have made a mint.
But maybe this is for the best. My rent is super cheap, I don’t have to pay any taxes in a good school district, and I’ve been saving a lot of money that I would otherwise have to spend on school/property taxes and house upkeep. Can I stay here another 7 years? I’d rather not do that, but with every year that passes, buying a house in this town makes less financial sense. So maybe I’ll just focus on making this rental more tolerable for myself, and maybe move to a nicer rental at some point. Be the thin reed, not the mighty oak that breaks in a storm.
Relatedly: my landlord just listed an apartment next door because the family who lives above him is moving out. Is it too much to ask the universe to have a really hot single mom move in next door, say around June or July? Yeah, probably too much to ask. The universe doesn’t just drop gold coins in my lap. Maybe in my next life.
8. What a difference a good therapist makes. It’s like discovering an instruction manual for your mind.
9. I’ve had this inexplicable urge to go to Paris lately. I may need to do a short trip there in September or October. I’ve always wanted to go there in the fall, in light jacket weather, after the summer swelter ends. It would be nice to go with someone–I mean, it’s the most romantic city in the world–but since that isn’t in the offing, I may go alone and bring my camera, just like the last time I was there way back in 1990.
Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.
10. My daughter has dragged me into the candy-coated world of pop music, which is auditory quicksand and chock-full of earworms. Since it looks like I’m going to be here a while, I may as well make the most of it, so here are a few of my favorite quick hit lyrics from the genre at the moment:
I can’t relate to desperation
My ‘give a fucks’ are on vacation
Sabrina Carpenter, Espresso
And when I’m back in Chicago, I feel it
Another version of me, I was in it
I wave goodbye to the end of beginning
Djo, End of Beginning
Someone pour me up a double shot of whiskey
They know me and Jack Daniels got a history
There’s a party downtown near Fifth Street
Everybody at the bar gettin’ tipsy
Shaboozey, A Bar Song
I’m vanilla, baby, I’ll choke you (I don’t like no whips and chains)
But I ain’t no killer, baby (and you can’t tie me down)
Jack Harlow, Lovin’ On Me
Seein’ you tonight, it’s a bad idea, right?
Seein’ you tonight, it’s a bad idea, right?
Seein’ you tonight, fuck it, it’s fine
Olivia Rodrigo, bad idea right?
I been known to miss a red flag
I been known to put my lover on a pedestal
In the end, those things just don’t last
And it’s time I take my rose-colored glasses off
Dua Lipa, Illusion
There’s nothin’ left for me to know
I had to stay, you had to go
And it was mean, but it doesn’t matter anymore, though
There’s nothin’ left for me to sing
I screamed, I cried, I did the whole thing
And I loved you mad, but it doesn’t matter anymore, no
Olivia Rodrigo, stranger
