10 Things I Think I Think on November 23, 2024

Got a lot out in that last post. As I nurse a rapidly diminishing election hangover, I have some thoughts. Brevity is one of them, so let’s get right to the point for a change.

1. Unlike a lot of my friends and social media follows who are in full-scale panic mode right now, I feel strangely calm about this election. It could be self-delusion, my way of coping with the fascist shitshow that I’m anticipating. It could be burnout. Probably the latter. I’m someone who often doesn’t do things well the first time. I make a lot of mistakes and then beat myself up about it like a good Virgo. But I’m also a quick study. I don’t typically make the same mistakes once I understand the dynamics of a given situation. I spent four years watching Trump’s every move, getting all worked up about his abuses of power, speaking out about every stupid or dangerous thing he did and every norm he broke. It peaked on January 6th.

I’m not doing that shit again, sorry.

No, this time people had all the information they needed, they knew everything about him, and they still chose to bring the clown show back to town. They voted for corruption, abuse of power, racism, misogyny, and inmates running the asylum. So I think that the people who voted for this mess, this chaos, this corrupt pig, should enjoy the fruits of their stupidity by getting exactly what they voted for. I have no intention of wasting mental energy and my peace on any of it, other than to mock it and mock these dipshits for choosing it again. I live in the beautiful Blue State of New York, where taxes are high, but life and public services are good. I don’t expect my life, or that of my daughter, to be impacted negatively the next four years. In fact, I’m probably going to get a tax cut and more money in my pocket out of this disaster. Who am I to argue?

If selfishness and not giving a fuck about other people are trending, if that’s why the idgits voted for him again, because they think he’s speaking their language and he’ll improve their lives by attacking immigrants, Muslims, his political enemies, and the poor, why not ride that wave for a while? Sure, I’ll speak up when I see something that requires opposing, and I’ll donate my dollars to the causes I support, but what I’m not going to do is follow all of this shit as closely as I did 8 years ago, live and die with every Rachel Maddow episode on what she’s hearing about the Mueller investigation and Rod Rosenstein and Russia and Ukraine extortion and two impeachments and blah, blah, blah fucking blah.

No. Fuck that. Yes, the Blue Wave (more of a puddle now) is zigging with ‘Resist! and Fight!’, and the resistance grift’s wheels are slowly turning again with the same outrage bait that so many self-interested social media personalities and political influencers used to make names for themselves 8 years ago. Do you really think those people are upset that Trump won? Do you really think it bothers them that now they get to be relevant again? I don’t. I think they’re secretly thrilled he won because it means more attention, fame, and dollars for them. A lot of people make a great living off of outrage and fear, and it’s bipartisan. Republicans and MAGAs don’t have a monopoly on this.

Did you see how smiley Biden was at that White House meeting with Trump after the election? Do people really smile that much next to a dangerous fascist who’s being handed the levers of power? Or did Democrats gin up fear just to get votes? Honestly, is there really that much of a difference between the two parties other than certain stands they take on social issues and taxes? I’m really starting to wonder.

So nah. I’m gonna zag. I’m going to disengage from this shit as much as possible. I’ll still follow what’s happening because staying informed is in my DNA, and I don’t know how else to be, but I’m going to put my sanity and well-being first. If our institutions, judges, governors, and the inept as fuck Democratic Party didn’t and can’t take care of this, what the hell am I worrying about? What ‘democracy’ is there to save? If so many of my friends, family, and co-workers thought: Yeah, I’ll vote for that guy. I’ll put that wannabe mafia king in charge of our nuclear weapons again. I’ll put the guy who started a riot and tried to throw out 81 million votes back in the White House. I’ll give the guy who stole classified documents and stored them in his shower access to all of them again to do whatever he wants–why in the holy fuck should I expend excessive energy on worrying about what he’s going to do?

No, no. I’m going to take my tax cut like a good boy, relentlessly mock that fucker and his supporters when I feel like it, and then I’m going to unplug from this ridiculous soap opera, take lots of mental breaks, meditate, exercise this body even more than I already have been, and get laid when opportunities arise (preferably with variety, quality, reasonable quantity, and of course, safety).

I’m gonna make Tim the best Tim he can be from now until 2028.

That’s how my next 4 years are going to go. How about you?

2. Unfortunately, despite my new positive attitude, I’m still prone to an occasional social media grenade, and I got unfriended by a grade school friend–more of an acquaintance now, really–on Facebook after I threw a couple of sharp elbows in frustration post-election. He did the passive-aggressive, sub-post thing on his page, clearly referring to me as ‘pushing hate’ and ‘division’ after the election. Given the hateful and divisive motherfucker he just voted for, his absurd hypocrisy was too much for me to let pass. So I did the passive-aggressive thing right back, then he came at me ON my page, announced his departure from our two-dimensional friendship with great fanfare, and didn’t let the door hit his ass on the way out.

This works for me. I’m all about people-weeding these days. Life’s too fucking short.

3. Speaking of meditation, after years of dabbling, I’m finally committing to it as a daily practice. During our last and final session (for a while at least), my therapist suggested the Calm app, which has a free section but costs $70/year for a subscription that is sometimes free with health insurance. She uses it and really likes it. I already had it downloaded but almost never used it. I went back to it, bought a half-price subscription on the Black Friday sale they’re having and started a beginner’s course about a week ago. I’m starting from the bottom, just 10 minutes each morning, learning from the ground up. It’s a great way to start the day, and I’ve definitely noticed a difference already. The teacher on the app said something that makes total sense: the mind is like a muscle. It can be trained and strengthened like muscles can. The more I commit to meditate once a day, the more I make a practice part of my life, the stronger my ‘mind muscle’–and emotional regulation, which is a key goal of mine–will become. We’ll see how this goes.

4. Another thing I’m doing is reducing my Twitter intake/posting and moving more of both to Bluesky. I’m starting over. If Bluesky ever catches up to Twitter in terms of subscribers and news reporting, which is a big ‘If,’ I plan to deactivate my Twitter account entirely. 14 years was a good run. It’s time to evolve.

5. There are some things I really wish I could write about here, but I can’t. Maybe I’ll think of some way to do it, but right now, it’s impossible.

6. Not to get too new age-y and woo-woo on everyone, but a couple of weeks ago, somewhere between the time I stopped therapy and the election, I started having this feeling that my multiverse timeline was shifting to another track. That whatever path I’d been on before was changing to a new one. Strange things have been happening lately that I can’t explain. Synchronicities. Coincidences. Things I’ve been wanting to happen that I’ve been changing myself to make happen are starting to happen. Like when you go to Vegas and you’ve crammed all your quarters into the slot machine for hours, and then, just when you’re about to leave your chair, three 7s appear, the siren goes off, and the machine starts pumping all these quarters–all the quarters you invested and then some–back at you. What’s happening, this feeling, isn’t remotely that dramatic, but it’s there. I’m not sure why, or what changed, but I think it has something to do with bringing that Paris traveler home like I said I was going to do. I think living with less fear took me off one reality path and shifted me to another. Discarding fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of the future, fear of repeating the same patterns, fear of being alone, fear of never finding what I need or who I need. Just putting it all down like a bag of bricks I’ve been carrying too long. I think all that fear was controlling me and holding me back. And to be clear: I was choosing it. It was a choice I kept making in certain situations. Negative mental habits and unconscious beliefs about oneself are hard to break. It takes effort and practice to do that. And giving less fucks. They’re not gone–I still have my thought loops and bad moments, but it’s my awareness of my fears operating in real time that’s changed. Once you’re aware of something, you can take action to break past patterns, make different and better choices. It’s been making a big difference to me lately.

7. Example of what I’m talking about.

I was checking out of Trader Joe’s last weekend, and a young woman in the line next to me was talking to someone on video in Italian, loud enough for me to hear. She said ‘I’m in the check out line, the store is packed, I can’t do this right now.’ The person on the other end said ‘You’re speaking in Italian, no one can understand you.’ She responded ‘You’re right, but it doesn’t matter.’

I looked over at her, smiled, and said in Italian ‘I understand you though. I understand everything.’ She started laughing and then told the other person what I said, and they both started laughing. Then she brought her phone over and told me that she was talking to her sister in Italy, who was driving her crazy in the middle of the store. I said ‘Oh, I have one of those. They don’t care where you are, they can drive you crazy anywhere.‘

She got off the phone with her sister, and we had a short conversation in the checkout line. She asked where I was from — I told her I lived a half hour away. I asked her where she was from, and she told me she was from Puglia, Italy and had been working as an au pair for a family who lived an hour away. Her contract was about to end, and she was trying to figure out her next move, whether to try and get another job or return to Italy. She complimented my Italian and asked if I’d ever taken classes. I said no, I learned to speak during summer visits to Italy as a kid. She said I spoke really well and my pronunciation was great. I was really flattered because she said this in a genuine way that only a real Italian can convey, with eyes, hands, and conviction. I told her I can’t write for shit because I only learned through speaking. She said it didn’t matter.

Then it was time to pay, so we said a nice goodbye and went our separate ways. It was an unexpected, positive, and genuine interaction that lasted maybe 2 or 3 minutes, but it all started with me speaking to her on a whim and making her laugh. I created this experience by extending myself beyond what I’d normally do in that situation, beyond my comfort zone, by just being open to people. Normally I’m too self-conscious to do this because I always feel like I’m imposing on people–women in particular. I always assume they want to be left alone, and I don’t want to sound like I’m hitting on them.

But those thoughts and beliefs were only in my head. They’re not real. They’re not facts. I created them myself. I’m funny, intelligent, decent looking, self-aware, and a gentleman, not a pig. Who wouldn’t want to talk to me in that situation? And if I misfire and someone acts like a jerk or rejects my attempt at engagement, so fucking what? That’s more about them, not me. Again, fear of rejection and all that mental, self-defeating shit is self-created. I’m doing it to myself. The only way it could have power over me and leave me bereft is if I believe it too. Believe that I’m imposing on someone, believe that I’m not worthy of a conversation or engaging with a stranger. Believe I have nothing fun to offer in that situation, and it won’t be welcome. Those are all self-imposed beliefs, not reality. I’m taking myself out of the game before I even start playing. It’s ridiculous when I think about it.

Here, I wasn’t looking for anything. I just spoke to her for the hell of it because her exchange with her sister was funny to me, and I suddenly heard some Italian out of nowhere. I could have asked for her number–she seemed open to it–but I chose not to, and that’s fine too. Not every interaction has to have a goal in mind. In fact, for me it’s better if it doesn’t. It’s more authentic that way.

This is what I’m talking about.

8. I don’t know how your life goes, but mine is often a cosmic joke, so it goes like this. A year after a long-distance ex-girlfriend and I went our separate ways and moved on to greener pastures, our children–her son and my daughter–have suddenly decided they like each other and are now talking to each other by computer and through Fortnite every day. They met in person once two or three years ago on a trip to Florida and really took to each other. They were both 8 or 9 at the time, and they stayed in touch afterwards through their iPads and my work Zoom account. Then my relationship ended and their contacts became increasingly sporadic, especially after Ex. and I took away M.’s iPad a few months ago (long story).

Now, after months of almost no contact, they started playing Fortnite together recently and decided that they’re an item. Indeed, M. informed me recently that she’s moved on from the boy she had a crush on for the past several months, a poor soul whom she and her friends hilariously codenamed ‘Voldemort.’ Voldemort has been defeated–unbeknownst to him; I don’t think he and M. have ever had a single conversation. But Voldemort’s in M.’s class, has a cute mop of hair, and plays multiple sports, so there’s always a threat of his return.

Sidenote: Voldemort has a really hot (and happily married) mother I spoke to a few times at school events before I learned that she spawned Voldemort. I think I passed her on the street last Halloween while I was dressed in my inflatable unicorn costume, but it was dark, the street was really crowded, and the costume gives me really poor sightlines, so it’s possible I imagined this. But enough about me.

Anyway, it’s all very endearing. I know and care for M.’s latest crush, a sweet boy I got to know very well in 3 1/2 years. He has empathy, good values, a great sense of humor, and is being raised right. They talk, play Fortnite, and enjoy each other’s company. It’s innocent and sweet and fortunately requires nothing from me because they’re able to connect on their own. Would I prefer it if this thread didn’t exist? Well yes, but that’s selfish. For all I know, their relationship was one of the reasons I had mine. I don’t know where it’s going to lead. There’s a decent chance it outlives me, and they become lifelong friends. So this situation is not for me to obstruct unless it starts to negatively impact her, which I don’t see happening.

All this said, life really is a cosmic joke sometimes, isn’t it? You have one idea, it has another.

9. Last Monday I attended the funeral of a work colleague who was one of a handful of people who interviewed me for my current job 25 years ago. I hadn’t seen him regularly since the firm moved our group up north 15 years ago, but in recent years I’d run into him at our annual Christmas Party and we’d exchange some friendly banter and good cheer.

His death at the age of 62 came as a shock to me, but not to a few close people he told a couple of months ago. Apparently, he’d been ill for a long time with a rare kidney condition he was diagnosed with when he was only 19 years old. He’d been getting transfusions the entire time I’d known him, and I had no clue. He didn’t tell anyone besides his wife–not even his own kids, who are now in their 20s–until a few months ago. At the service, which was powerful and incredibly sad, I learned how many experiences he squeezed into a life he knew would be cut short: travel with his kids to farflung places like Thailand, Singapore, and Latin America, a love of food, restaurants, and cooking, and just experiencing everything possible with his kids in the time he had. He befriended his doctor of 30 years, who also spoke at his funeral and disclosed a side of my colleague that almost no one except his wife, whom he met in high school, got to see. His brother told us how he told his wife a long time ago that she should consider leaving him because of his condition, which was chronic and would one day end his life prematurely. He wanted her to enjoy her life without this burden. ‘Are you crazy??’ she said. They were married 36 years and had two kids together.

I don’t know my point in relaying this. I wasn’t that close to him, but his death is affecting me now like losing someone I know always does. I feel like I’ve lost too many people I know, including two close friends who died young, an uncle I was really close to, several work colleagues, and my father. There will be more losses to come. My mother is 79. My uncles and aunts in Italy are not in great health. I don’t know. All this loss has given me an acute awareness of how short life is, how you think you have time for certain things but really don’t. If there’s something you want to do or want to say to someone, don’t wait. Do it. Say it. They could be taken from you before you know it. Death won’t ask you first. All this loss has made me really possessive with my time and really selective about the people I choose to have in my life. It’s making me more aware and selective about what I spend my time on. It’s made me not give two shits about work accolades, titles, recognition, or elevation. All I care about is staying productive and gainfully employed and doing the best I can at my job until it’s time to stop working. I intend to make that happen as soon as I’m financially comfortable doing so.

When I was leaving the service, I saw a former colleague who left the firm a decade ago to join a smaller firm. I’d worked with him when I first joined my firm, and I just love the guy. He’s kind, patient, very smart, and was a great mentor to me as a young associate. Unlike many of my colleagues, he was easy to work with and didn’t take your head off or make you feel like shit if you made a mistake. He took things in stride and patiently explained how to do it right next time. He has the look and demeanor of a therapist: bald, always well-dressed, with a short white beard. (Did I just describe myself, minus the patient demeanor?) His wife is/was a psychologist, so maybe that’s where it comes from. He always looked at you like he was actively listening before he responded. I never heard him raise his voice or say a mean word about anyone. For a litigator, this is exceptional.

I approached him after the service and shook his hand. He seemed happy to see me and everyone else he knew at the service. He seemed happy in general. I assumed he was still working like so many lawyers at his age, who don’t seem to know when to stop, when to call it quits and enjoy life. Nope. He said the only work he’s doing now is on his golf game, and he has a lot of work to do. I loved hearing this and took it as a sign.

Another sign: I just finished writing this No. 9, and Let’s Live for Today by The Grass Roots came on Spotify. Synchronicities, man. They’re slapping right now.

10. Both Sides Now.

I’ve heard this classic Joni Mitchell song 1000 times, mostly when I was a kid growing up in the 70s. Joni wrote it, but I prefer the Judy Collins version. I never listened to the lyrics until a few nights ago, when someone on TikTok played the song with the lyrics scrolling onscreen. They are absolutely beautiful, and boy do they hit hard in middle age:

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s clouds’ illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
When every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends, they’re acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all