Subject is back in the dating field for the first time since April 2020, following the deterioration and somewhat comical implosion of a three and a half-year relationship, which finally ended in the fall of 2023 after several dead cat bounces. At Subject’s request, Researcher is recording Subject’s observations, reflections, and experiences as he re-enters the dating field to catalogue his mating process and the evolution of his desires and goals in the hope of improving Subject’s self-awareness and romantic decision-making. Real-time research and analysis is critical to this endeavor. Subject informs that he has recently started therapy after a two-decade hiatus. Researcher views this as a positive development that will also help Subject achieve his goals.
PRELIMINARY OBSERVATIONS
Subject’s Dating Outlook in October/November 2023: Sub-Optimal
At the outset of this project, Researcher deemed it necessary to record Subject’s state of mind as he re-commenced dating in earnest to obtain an initial reference point for this analysis. Accordingly, Researcher asked Subject to convey his feelings about dating at this point in time (the fall of 2023), no matter how raw, embarrassing, or disorganized.
Subject responded that he feels like he was thrown from the top of a very large mountain and is now staring up from the bottom with a bloodied skull and two broken legs and being told he must climb it again. Subject can’t find the motivation to take even one step. When asked to elaborate on this feeling, Subject sounded frustrated, angry, and emotionally unstable:
Holy fuck, do I really need to start this shit all over again? I cannot. Believe. I’m. Doing. This. Shit. Again. Burned almost four fucking years on an intermittent dopamine mirage–the most addictive type of relationship–and here I am back where I started: calloused right index finger out, swiping, swiping, and more swiping like a mindless robot. Yes, I’m looking for a whole body shot of you, not five of the exact same close-up of your face. We both want to avoid a catfish, right? No, I’m not interested in seeing your French Bulldog playing with a toy, or that awesome Maui sunset, or those gorgeous poinsettias, or that delicious crème brûlée you enjoyed two years ago and still have on your profile. Seriously, show me what YOU look like, FFS. This process is ass backwards, so let’s save time and post recent pictures of ourselves, shall we? Not that other irrelevant shit. You live where? Googling where the fuck ‘Rutherford’ is. How long it takes to drive to Huntington, Long Island. Two hours in traffic. Fuck. Banal in-app texting with people I’ll probably never meet. Where are you from originally? How long have you lived in New York? What’s your favorite place to travel to? I see you like yoga poses, like in literally every picture. Got any other hobbies? How long does enlightenment take? Do you have any siblings? What’s your favorite season? Favorite color? Do you hate your mother? No, I’ve never sky-dived. I like my life. Yes, I’d love to go hiking five days a week and move to Bali tomorrow, but I have to work and pick up my daughter for the next eight years. No, I can’t bring my daughter and ex-wife to Bali, or teach English to Balinese hipsters for the rest of my life. Hope I don’t sound too rigid here, but this doesn’t strike me as very realistic.
Motherfucking fuck.
Yes, I know I can meet people in real life instead of dating apps. Where is that supposed to happen, exactly? Oh, that’s right. Weddings!
CONCLUSION: Subject is still processing a major loss and is not ready to date.
SUBJECT’S FIELD NOTES RE: DATING ORIENTATION AND APPROACH
The dating process–particularly in middle age–is both a mental and physical undertaking. To a large extent, one gets out of dating what one puts into it. A negative mentality going into a date, or regarding dating generally, leads to negative energy, and thus, a negative result. A negative vibration is real. People feel it. I feel it. The best approach is to only go out when my mind is in the right place, only pursue people I’m genuinely interested in and attracted to from the jump, and not expect or hope for a particular result. The right mentality is ‘I’m just meeting someone interesting and getting to know them.’ This can be really fun if it’s done right, and there are no expectations.
Doing it right means approaching it sensibly, which for me, can come off as completing a distinctly un-romantic preflight checklist. But for me it works and enhances the prospect of meeting someone cool and possibly making a new friend, or hitting that romantic bullseye that we’re all looking for. You gotta eat your vegetables before you can enjoy that molten lava cake. Trust the process.
A pre-date vibe check in a phone conversation or video chat is critical at the outset. Most profiles are haphazardly made and potentially misleading. You’re gauging an investment of time in someone based on a few seconds, words, and photos. Not to mention the role one’s unconscious mind plays in this swiping process: that combination of faces that look like people you’ve liked or disliked in the past, which are now subconsciously motivating your swipes, and profile descriptions that you love, or that rub you the wrong way for some reason.
But you can tell a lot from a person’s voice. This is why I like Hinge so much, because it allows people to record their voice and leave a prompt for people to listen to right away, which gives you a critical added dimension to the other person. A voice conveys humor, intelligence, wit, an accent, arrogance, authenticity–or a lack thereof–and a person’s overall vibe in a way that photos and descriptions don’t. I’ve been told I have a nice voice, so from a selfish perspective, a voice prompt also benefits me. (It’s a jungle out there, people, so use whatever marketing upside is available.) The prompt someone uses in their voice recording also conveys a lot. If someone is too negative or bitching about shit they don’t like in a person, it’s an instant turnoff. Why lead with that? It screams high maintenance, jadedness, and a negative outlook in life. The same is true if they sound so wackadoo positive they make me wonder if they’re in a cult. Maybe a person is not really like they sound at all, but assumptions abound on these apps. A pre-date video chat conveys even more information, but it’s more awkward than just speaking on the phone.
I don’t meet anyone without doing one of these first now. It’s saved me a ton of time and improved the quality of my dates.
Next, the energy and vibration between two people who are meeting for the first time is hugely important. Indeed, it’s often the truest read of a person. While someone’s words can be hedged or disguised on a first date, where both people are trying to show their best self, a person’s energy–their body language, facial expression, and overall vibration–can’t be hidden. They always tell the truth. Learning how to interpret this energy/vibration on dates is a work in progress, but I’m getting better at it, and it’s been invaluable. You can tell when someone’s feeling you and when they’re not. And also listening to my own body. I can tell when I’m feeling someone else and when I’m not. The mind-body connection is real. All this said, it’s also important not to go overboard and assume too much based on intuition because it takes a long time to get to know someone. But a good vibe, a good energy between us is a prerequisite for a second date.
Selectivity is also important because I work my ass off, share 50/50 custody over a 10-year old, and have other interests, so my time is at a premium. The same is true of most of the women I go out with. Scheduling can be, and often has been, a total bitch, and has sometimes led to delays in meeting people, which destroys momentum and can result in ghosting. I accept this as part of the deal, because it works both ways. Honestly, ghosting has never been more prevalent on these apps, but it’s also true that people who are truly interested in each other stay in contact and make it happen. Working single mothers with children–particularly children my daughter’s age or younger–understand these delays the most because they’re as swamped by life as I am. I have more in common with them, so I gravitate to them the most.
Geographic distance is another selectivity factor. Safe to say, I’ve sworn off long-distance relationships for good. My goal is to see someone regularly, be in their life and have them be in mine. This requires us to be in relatively close proximity so we can get away for a weekend on a whim, train into the City for a show, or just eat take-out and watch Netflix together on a Friday night because we’re both fried after a long work week. So even though there are a ton of absolute smokeshows who live on Long Island and southern New Jersey, for example, I’m not driving an hour and a half or two hours on the regular to see someone, and I’m sure they’re not interested in doing that either. It just won’t work. Fortunately, New York City is totally doable because I’m there often, know it well because I lived there for almost 20 years, and it’s a quick train ride with lots of fun options for dates. I’d actually love to meet someone in the City. It would be the best of both worlds.
The physical. This is the first hurdle on these dating apps–the baseline before you get to anything else. It’s important to face this reality head-on and not take things personally because this shit is Darwinian. It’s all about lizard brain preferences. People like what they like and don’t like what they don’t like, and no one should apologize for it. Certain physical characteristics give us tingles in our naughty place, and they need to be there before we want to connect with someone. It’s true for women, and it’s true for men. Fair is fair. So there’s no need to get upset over a height or hair requirement, gentlemen. There’s no crying in baseball, and there’s no crying on dating apps.
Me: I’m 55, 5’7″, with a shaved head and salt and pepper beard that I finally learned to keep at a shorter length so it doesn’t make me look like Ted Kaczynski having a bad day. A long and bushy beard isn’t attractive unless you’re young and it’s a nice, youthful color. Once it starts turning white or gray, a big beard makes you look old, unkempt, and homeless. So I cut my Rumpelstiltskin beard down substantially a few months ago and keep it short now. I like it better this way.
Although I work out, eat relatively clean, and am reasonably fit for my age, mine is not a look that appeals to every woman. Facing facts, my primary attractiveness obstacle isn’t my age, lack of hair, or beard, but my height. It’s been consistently true throughout my adult dating life that the baseline height preference for most women, regardless of how tall they are, is a man who is taller than 5’9″, and most women prefer a man who is over six feet tall. Obviously, there’s nothing I can do about this. My growth spurt ended about 40 years ago, and I’m not flying to China for a shin extension operation or pulling a Trump/DeSantis and wearing shoe lifts, which look fucking ridiculous and could easily cause a man of my dotage to roll an ankle. Plus, none of these height Band-Aids suit my personality, which is “This is me, take it or leave it, I seriously couldn’t give a fuck.” When my hair began abandoning me in my late 40s, I shaved my head without thinking twice about it. The thought of hair plugs, an expensive monthly Minoxidil subscription, or taking hair from my ass and implanting on my head like an overgrown Chia pet, is so fucking absurd and desperate to me, I can’t believe these companies stay in business.
So even though I couldn’t care less about a woman’s height (Got my hiking boots on, you gorgeous Amazons! Just say the word, and I’ll climb your mountain, baby!), I’m almost exclusively contacted by shorter, 5’6″ and under women, so I put my focus on them. I totally understand why most women–especially taller women–prefer taller men. It’s a primal thing that gets their motor running, just like certain physical characteristics in women do for me. That’s why a height preference doesn’t bother me like it bothers a lot of shorter men. There are a LOT of beautiful, smart, funny, petite queens out there, guys. There’s someone out there for everyone, and we have our own physical preferences too, right? So stop whining.
Apart from height, the rest of my look is either a preference or distaste too. Some women love a full head of hair, or hate beards. Others love my look–which, thank Christ, has become more popular in recent years. The ones who like it REALLY like it, and they haven’t been shy about expressing it to me, which is quite validating. I much prefer those women because they have excellent taste in men. But what’s been surprising to me, as discussed further below, is that the vast majority of women who like my beard have been foreign women, particularly women from Eastern Block countries. There has to be a cultural bias to this. Am I giving off subconscious Vladimir Lenin energy? Who knows, but I feel like I’ve been dating the United Nations for the past seven months, and this never happened before I grew a beard. Conversely, American women seem to prefer a clean-shaven face. I’ve had very few connections with American-borns. Just something I’ve noticed. There’s definitely something cultural going on here, I think.
My mentals. The nice thing about being my age, with a look I can’t change at this point, is the I Don’t Give A Fuck factor, which is liberating and a strength in the middle-age dating jungle where I now find myself. I know who I am, and I’ve been through some shit in life and lived to tell the story without turning into a drug addict, alcoholic, lying asshole, or weighing 300 lbs. With me, what you see is what you get. From what I hear, a lot of men my age lack these qualities. They don’t know who they are or what the fuck they want out of life. Many of them are struggling financially, or have addiction or anger issues. I have my bad moments like anyone else and shit to work on, but for the most part, I’m normal and have my act together. I’m also good with being alone if necessary, so I don’t reek of desperation or try too hard like some men I’ve heard about.
All of this has provided me with a certain confidence that I never had before. I used to be far more anxious on first dates. I’d put too much pressure on myself and overthink things. Now I’m way more Zen and take things slowly without expecting anything. I can just be myself, get to know people, and wait for my person. There are things I can control–my body, my clothes, my smell, my personality–and things I can’t, like my height and hairless pate. Do I sometimes cry inside when a hot piece on Bumble turns out to be 5’9″, or is 5’2″ and says she’ll only date someone who’s over 6′ tall? Fuck yes – I like a hot piece just like everyone else!
Then I swipe left and go to the next profile.
My age: I’m 55, so I figured my dating options would be limited to 50-55+ year olds, but this hasn’t happened. My contacts have ranged from 40-58 years old, which is a pretty wild age swing. In one sense, never have I been so versatile and appealing to so many! (Joking) A couple of the younger women I went out with referred to me as a ‘Silver Fox,’ and I’m not gonna lie, I fucking loved it. Most of the women I’ve gone out with have been 44-51 though. That’s my sweet spot.
Them: Not going into too many details on this, but like Justice Potter Stewart famously said about pornography: ‘I know it when I see it.’ There needs to be a baseline physical attraction, which for me means someone who’s in my kind of physical shape–not magazine cover or gym rat shape–but fit and relatively active, and who takes care of herself. Like everyone else, I have certain physical characteristics that are strong preferences, for which my sisters give me endless amounts of shit for being too picky, but fuck them. They’re not the ones who have to be attracted to these people, I am, and this is the flip side of most women wanting to date a fucking giant. So I won’t apologize for preferring a nice ass and toned legs. Then–and this has proven to be a far bigger issue than the physical–I like someone to have a personality, a sense of humor, and something to say. Someone who’s not afraid to express an opinion. She needs to be interesting, able to carry a conversation and capable of poking fun at herself. Self-deprecation and a good sense of humor are fucking sexy and a huge turn-on. It’s been surprising how difficult this has been to find, but when it’s there….. Boom.
The footnote to all of this is these are simply preferences, not strict demands or requirements. We all make exceptions for the right person, right?
FIELD NOTES: SUBJECT’S REFRACTORY PERIOD
Here, Researcher must divide the dating timeline for Subject into different periods, because they involve vastly different mindsets on the part of Subject.
The first, which we shall refer to as the “Refractory Period,” immediately followed the unfortunate demise of Subject’s relationship with XX, who exited the relationship emotionally long before Subject did and almost immediately entered into a new relationship with someone else, belying her prior ‘planet alignment/kissing on the dance floor in Ibiza’ platitudes with Subject. With sex, the “refractory period” refers to the time after the male orgasm when the penis is not responsive to any form of stimulus–a period that can last for a few minutes to a few days. Subject’s Refractory Period was an emotional one. Discovering (eventually) that XX’s feelings for Subject did not run deep, and she actually did want a relationship–even a long-distance relationship–just not one with Subject, was a painful realization that caused Subject to feel hurt, confused, and rejected during the Refractory Period, which lasted roughly between October ’23 and January ’24.
During this period of disorientation and disillusionment, Subject was grieving a painful loss and not emotionally available to anyone. And yet, he stubbornly insisted on getting out there again, to “warm up his dating muscles” (his words), meet new people, and attempt to shift his focus from his turbulent and demoralizing past to a more positive future. Laudable goals to be sure, however, Subject hit the gas too fast and soon discovered that he was unconsciously and unfairly comparing every woman he met to XX and not taking them seriously as a romantic prospect. Since Subject has never been Pitfall Harry and is totally inept at lying and disguising his emotions, his initial dating efforts did not go well. Indeed, the results were quite predictable.
Subject informs that his Field Notes below are not exhaustive and do not include all dates he went on, or the contacts that did not lead to dates, of which there are many.
The Ukrainian
Subject’s Field Notes: First date post-XX. Fake it til you make it. Connected on Hinge. Attractive, blonde, blue-eyed, 50, taller than me — 5’8″, taller in heels. Props for appreciating a Short King. One or two older kids, only one of whom lives at home. Lives in Woodstock, NY, a two-hour drive(!), which is really far away. Wanted to meet due to physical attraction factor and good vibe after speaking on phone a couple of times and also to test my geographic boundary. I also like the Catskills a lot and would like to spend more time there. Met in Beacon, halfway for both of us and a really cool town. Went to a modern museum there with interesting and unusual exhibits that I really liked, then had dinner in town. Liked her accent and calm energy. Super nice, authentic and real. She’s available and ready for a relationship. But edge/spark was missing. Humor didn’t hit right, a recurring problem with foreign-borns and the language barrier. Agreed to see each other again, but I reconsidered after my long-ass drive home. How the hell was this going to work? I’m done with long distance. Contacted her the next day, said I had a wonderful time and liked her a lot, but realistically the distance was too far. She understood and appreciated my honesty.
The Italian (1.0)
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Match in December, right after things with XX really came to a head and painful shit got revealed, but not clearly or completely, and I was still spinning out emotionally. Southern Italian-born, 5’4″, 51, dark brown hair, brown eyes, sexy, very red lipstick, dual citizen, works in some diplomatic capacity in the City. Lives in Brooklyn, one adult daughter who lives in Italy, where she travels often. A little conservative politically and real touchy about it, and we almost didn’t meet because of this. Red flag. Wanted to meet due to physical attraction factor, confidence, Italian background, banter, and belief she wasn’t afraid of a little back-and-forth, i.e., she had an edge.
Met near Union Square in NYC for dinner. Was more hot, crowded, and loud in the restaurant than I expected. She said she didn’t date often and seemed nervous when she got there. Calmed down after a glass of wine. Said I was easy to talk to. She was sexy, and I loved her accent. Spoke Italian together. She had a cross on, mentioned going to church a couple of times, and incredibly, made the sign of the cross and said a little prayer to herself before she started eating. Religious. Red flag. About 20 minutes in, she said she was feeling really hot in the restaurant (it was seriously hot in there), but this may be due to her onset of menopause. This was a first for me. I appreciated her honesty, but had not considered the menopause factor at all. Made mental note to learn more about menopause since I would be dating plenty of women in their 50s and likely would encounter this again. She looked really warm and for a second I wondered whether she was going to pass out, and we’d need to cut the night short. This would have been par for the course for me given the fucked up events of the past two months. Then she drank some water and thankfully, it passed.
At one point, she unexpectedly took my hand at the table (good sign!), then said my skin was too dry, and I needed to drink more water (bad sign!). Her hands felt nice and soft. I felt a little embarrassed by this and decided not to mention that dry skin has been an issue my entire life and sometimes leads to a small eczema flareup. Eczema is not a sexy subject. But neither is menopause. Noted to myself that her strong opinions and bull-in-a-China-shop approach to conveying them tactlessly to someone she was meeting for the first time reminded me of my mother. Red flag.
Our night really went sideways when she asked me about my most recent relationship. Thanks to two delicious glasses of red wine, which I’ve now discovered act as a truth serum, instead of censoring myself, I told too much of the truth about my ending with XX, which my Italian counterpart unsurprisingly didn’t appreciate. Then she began cross-examining me like Tom Cruise going after Colonel Jessup in ‘A Few Good Men’. I was actually impressed with the quality and precision of her questions–she could have been a fucking lawyer–but was also taken aback at her visceral reactions to my answers and her presumptuous sense of entitlement given that this was only a first date and we didn’t know each other at all. She definitely had an ego.
I felt there was enough mutual attraction between us for a second date, but my revelations and honesty about XX had really turned her off. Post-date she said: ‘You’re not ready to date. If I had known you’d just gotten out of a relationship, I wouldn’t have come.’ Totally fair. But fuck, am I really supposed to give someone a real-time dissertation on my love life and how I’m processing my feelings before I meet them for the first time? I also didn’t appreciate her double-standard. I mean, I was totally fine with seeing HER again after she told me that she nearly ran her car over the new girlfriend of one of her ex-boyfriends this one time, out of pure jealousy. That might have turned a lot of men off, but not me. No, this fool LIKES a little passion, a little crazy, because it keeps things interesting. But ultimately, she was right. I wasn’t ready to date. I was still too raw and apparently, I was wearing it on my face. Still, her reaction was too intense for me for a first date. We all have a history, and mine is pretty tame compared to a lot of people.
Fucking Italians. So no second date, but I was fine with it. I’m sure I saved myself some headaches and major car damage.
The Upstate New Yorker
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Hinge. Short blonde hair, blue eyes, big glasses, tattoos, cute, petite, nice smile, sarcastic and funny. 5’3″, 51 years old. Two teenage kids who live at home, one of whom is a bit wild with control issues. TMI given during pre-date phone vibe check about her troubled childhood, leaving home young, etc., and her divorce, which was recent and not that amicable. Appreciated her honesty, but these disclosures were a sign of dating inexperience and definite red flags. Wanted to meet because of her edge and humor factor on phone, which I’d been craving. (XX had both in spades. They’re part of my Holy Grail now.) Lived further away than I thought, about an hour drive. Agreed to meet halfway on a whim one night, at a dismal shopping mall that she inexplicably chose, which was located not far from where Ex. and I used to live when we were married, and which I’d been to several times. In retrospect, it was a very bad choice because atmosphere matters a lot on first dates, and this place was the opposite of an aphrodisiac. I’d thought about changing it to something else, but she’d said on the phone that her ex-husband had been very pushy about making decisions, which annoyed her, so I demurred. Like a lot of dead malls, this one had a totally depressing vibe, and I started having PTSD flashbacks to my separation from Ex. the second I parked my car. No bueno. Then I walked in, saw her, and felt instantly that her 3-D didn’t match her 2-D. She had a totally different energy in person, and our vibe was off. This can sometimes happen, and it’s one of the shitty parts of dating apps. Was also very tired that night and as stated, was busy time-traveling back to one of the worst periods of my life. Bad mentals.
Went to eat at a Chinese restaurant inside the mall, with me sincerely hoping I wouldn’t get food poisoning. Talked about our most recent relationships (hers was with her ex husband), and like an idiot who never learns, I discussed XX again, though I’d had only one glass of wine this time and was smart enough to yadda yadda yadda the details. Unlike The Italian, she was nonplussed by this information and actually helped me put the relationship in a better context. (‘You never really know someone until you live together and deal with them day in, and day out, so was it a real relationship?’) I got a little defensive about this in the moment, but later realized she had a good point. Then after discussing her disenchantment with her ex-husband, she asked me to tell her right then and there how I felt things were going, and what I thought about her because I looked more subdued than I’d been on the phone. I hate it when people do this on dates because it’s awkward as fuck. If we’re clicking there’s no need to ask this question, so people never do. It’s only when things aren’t clicking that this question gets asked, and then what the fuck am I supposed to say? Can’t we wait until we get home for the confessional? Eesh.
I said I thought it was going fine, but I was pretty tired and apologized for the low energy. Also said that it’s always different in person and sometimes awkward, so things need to settle in, which takes time. She didn’t seem to buy what I was selling, which I give her credit for. Reading people accurately is a skill I respect. She also seemed really self-conscious and worried she’d told me too much in our pre-date calls and texts (which she had, but this wasn’t the real problem; chemistry was). Parted ways amicably, then agreed to remain friends afterwards because we both weren’t ready for a relationship. I haven’t spoken to her since January.
FIELD NOTES: SUBJECT’S RECOVERY PERIOD
The Recovery Period follows the Refractory Period and is represented by improved emotional stability and an increasingly positive outlook and sense of well-being due to the passage of time and no contact with dysfunctional kryptonite. The Recovery Period is not the end goal, however. It’s merely a transitional phase, but a critical one, where Subject is less focused on the past as he begins to view it in a more realistic and clear light while moving forward with his life. During this period, Subject increasingly begins to see genuine possibilities with new people, as opposed to ‘faking it til he makes it,’ which is unproductive and ultimately a dead end because it involves burying his feelings and using people for validation rather than planting seeds for a meaningful connection that could lead to a long-term relationship.
The clearest manifestation of Subject’s progression into the Recovery Period is his renewed ability to obtain an emotional erection.
The Italian (2.0)
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Hinge. Northern Italian-born, auburn red hair, blue eyes, great accent, fit, nice photo from hiking in the Dolomites, which is on my bucket list. 5’4″, 51, lives nearby in Connecticut, teaches Italian at private high school. From Veneto region, a really nice part of Italy. Travels there often. One older daughter attending college in D.C. Wanted to meet due to Italian background and easy-going vibe on phone. A little concerned about fuzziness/distance of photos, i.e., catfish risk, but she lived close by, so the downside was minimal.
Met for dinner on a day it was pouring rain. Enjoyed our time together, spoke Italian, easy conversation. Liked her calm energy and accent, but she was definitely an introvert-leaner, way more introverted than me, which I didn’t find appealing. Seemed a bit jaded with dating too. No physical attraction, no spark, no edge. She was cool though. Post-date we got amicable closure, agreed to stay in contact and meet for coffee from time to time. She may be moving back to Italy eventually too, so it would be good to have another friend there one day. Have texted a few times and plan to see her again as friends.
The Dominican
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Hinge. Took a flyer on someone really hot and seemingly out of my league, which I sometimes do for the fuck of it. You can’t win if you don’t buy a ticket, amirite? Dominican born, but here for a long time, so no accent. Lives in same county as me, so not too far away. Dark black hair, brown eyes, really nice skin, has style and rocks cool glasses, 5’6″, 40, fit. Works as an administrator in an office, has one teenaged son who gives her headaches. Was surprised when she matched me. Great banter on texts, including uh… photos. She referred to me as a ‘Silver Fox,’ which is the first time that’s ever happened. Daddy definitely liked it. Wanted to meet because of major attraction factor, sexy banter, and let’s be honest, an obvious need for validation. I mean, fuck, she’s 15 years younger than me.
First sign my mojo may be coming back.
Met for dinner in White Plains. Good energy, but incompatibilities became quickly apparent. Different life experience, backgrounds, and education, which came out in conversation. She seemed a little immature too, which shouldn’t have surprised me, given our age difference. Talked about the DR and other travel places, some nice flirtation at dinner. Great smile. After some wine (fucking wine again), I shifted into a more primal gear. Joked about my stupidly large cologne collection and invited her back to my place to see it. We both understood this invitation to be euphemistic, but she smiled and agreed. After dinner, we got in our cars and left the restaurant planning to meet at my place. I got there first. She texted 15 minutes later, sounding annoyed because her son called her when she was leaving the restaurant and said he’d locked himself out of the house. She had to go home and let back him in. Apologized and asked for a raincheck so she could see my cologne collection another time. I didn’t believe her story (who doesn’t have a spare key hidden somewhere), but I said I understood, and it was totally fine. I actually respected her for reconsidering the potentially insane decision to go home with someone she didn’t know after one date. We continued texting afterwards and began planning a second date for the aforementioned cologne viewing. I gave it more thought in ensuing days and decided a real connection beyond the physical wasn’t there, so what was the point of meeting again besides possibly getting laid and boosting my ego, which I could definitely use, but still? It’s not like I haven’t done shit like that before. Decided the time investment wasn’t worth the dead-end I could see already, even though I had the sense that she maybe only wanted to fuck an older Daddy and wasn’t that interested in me herself. With very mixed feelings, and ignoring my very pissed off Lizard Brain, I let it die on the vine.
The Jersey Girl (1.0)*
*Yes, she’s a woman, and I respect all women and never refer to them as girls, but Springsteen Rules require all women from New Jersey to be referred to ‘Jersey Girls’ without guilt or apology.
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Match. Extremely attractive, mixed-race, hazel eyes, curly black hair, perfect coffee skin, imperfect but somehow really sexy teeth, 5’6″, 42 years-old, fit, really great legs. A teaching administrator from far away in New Jersey, an hour and a half drive from me. Was surprised when she matched me first, with a clever metaphor about unicorns dancing in the wrong field. (One would need to read my profile to understand this.) A little non-responsive at first, which was weird since she ‘liked’ me, instead of the other way around. I figured she had a lot of people she was corresponding with, so I was patient.
Sidenote: It took me a while to figure this out, but Sister J. clued me into the fact that the more physically attractive someone is on these apps, the longer it may take them to respond because their mailbox likely has dozens of messages from men in them, and they’re also actively dating. So if you get a match, take a number, get in line, and shut the fuck up until you hear from them, if you ever do.
Wanted to meet due to major physical attraction and her voice, which had a clarity, intelligence, and edge to it. She also called me a ‘Silver Fox’ (it’s truly embarrassing how much I like this). Phone vibe check went well and we also did a video chat, which I thought was a bit redundant, but she was matter of fact about it and even more methodical in her dating approach than I am. This was likely due to the fact that she was a Virgo like me. I don’t tend to do well with Virgos. In fact, two Virgos can be a serious pain in the ass together. Way too many power struggles, opinions, criticisms, and a competing need to be the smartest person in the room. It works if they have other influences in their chart, but two hardcore Virgos is a fucking headache. (Virgo sex is otherworldly though. Virgos take that shit seriously, and Virgo sex is always two souls connecting. I dated a Virgo in law school–the only Virgo I’ve ever dated–and it was exactly like this. Alas, the relationship lasted only four months, which proves my other point.)
Didn’t get much of an easygoing vibe from her, which was a bit of a red flag. She seemed to hold a lot close to her vest, which made me question her authenticity, but she’d gotten out of a relationship a few months before like me, so figured this may be playing a role in the protective way she sounded.
On a whim, we made a spur of the moment decision to meet for dinner on a bitter cold winter Sunday in a New Jersey town located halfway between us, which was still an hour drive for me that included traversing a bridge. (Like a lot of men, physical attraction dictates too many a lot of my decisions, including making geographic distance exceptions when necessary.) She told me she had plans to meet someone else that she knew she wasn’t that interested in, but would cancel her plans to meet me instead. I was flattered, but I later realized that this was actually a red flag. Why would you make plans with someone you know you’re not interested in? Then cancel them to meet someone else? Not cool.
We met at a restaurant that was virtually empty because it was so bitter cold and windy out that no one in their right mind was going out except us. She looked great in person but had a lot of makeup on, which I’m not a big fan of. She was also really dressed up, which I hadn’t expected given our quick decision to meet each other and our agreement to keep things casual. Due to the extreme cold, I had on a nice sweater and jeans, not a slob outfit, but not as much as I usually dress up for a first date. I got there first (she texted she’d be 15 minutes late). She walked in, and as soon as I stepped off the bar stool, and walked toward her, I caught this millisecond look of disappointment in her eyes, literally a split second flash that I put to the side at the time, but resonated later. Since we’d seen each other on video, she knew what I looked like in 3-D and still wanted to meet me, so there shouldn’t have been any surprises on my looks, but who knows? This was a karmic reversal of my experience with the Upstate New Yorker. It happens. My guess is that she expected me to be taller. I’m honest about how tall I am in my profiles, but a 5’6″ woman who wears three inch heels like she had on is going to be taller than me. So I think that might have been it.
We had a nice dinner and good conversation though. I can talk to pretty much anyone – it’s fun. She seemed into it, but I remembered later that she made a point to say that her last boyfriend was 6’3″. (Did you even look at my profile??) She also seemed a bit wounded in discussing how that relationship ended, which made me think of The Italian 1.0. I must have sounded like that. Dumbass. She brought up a weird date that she’d had with a really intense Israeli dude, who’d said some shit on a first date that I couldn’t believe. As easy and flowing as our conversation was, she gave off guarded energy, and there was a defensive and judgmental quality to her descriptions of her interactions with other people, primarily her co-workers and parents of her students, that made me wonder how many friends she had and how well she gets along with people. We discussed our backgrounds. She was from Oakland, CA originally and was raised poor by a single mother who had to rely on food stamps. She’d had to struggle for everything she’d achieved in life. I rarely meet people like this, so I was fascinated, attracted, and impressed by all of it. We discussed racial issues too. Given her mixed race background, I assumed she’d have a certain view, but it turned out to be the opposite. She was even more conservative on some of this than I was, which surprised me. I really enjoyed our conversation, but her energy and vibration were somehow off. Again, I was getting this defensive and withholding vibe from her, which was off-putting, but also intriguing. It made me want to peel back her layers and see what she was really like.
Texted her when I got home to make sure she got home okay, thanked her for coming out, and said I’d had a really good time. She responded the same, thanked me for dinner, and said she really enjoyed our conversation. I was definitely interested in seeing her again. The next day was a snow day, so as a feeler to gauge her interest, I texted her to see if her school got canceled. No response all day or early the next morning. Clearly a ghosting in process, which meant she wasn’t interested in seeing me again. Can only guess as to the reasons why, but most of the time people never tell each other. It’s part of the deal. Unmatched her on Match and Bumble (she’d matched me there too), but I was grateful for the fact that I was finally starting to become physically and/or intellectually attracted to new people. This was two in a row.
The Russian
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Tinder. My first ever in-person connection on that much-maligned app, which, contrary to popular belief, is not just for tawdry sex any more. Russian-born, dark brown hair, blue eyes, fit, fantastic accent, 5’4″, 44, lives in Jersey City (not that convenient), works as an administrator in Russian financial firm. One teenage son who lives with her. Widowed – her husband died four years ago. Wanted to meet due to physical attraction factor, interesting background, easy going nature, and good connection after doing a video check on WhatsApp.
Met for dinner at easy meeting point in NYC near Union Square on a night it was pouring rain. Had a great conversation over dinner in spite of the language barrier, which she seemed a little embarrassed by. She used to own a fashion business in Russia with her husband. They were early Navalny supporters and had to escape the country seven years ago with just the shirts on their backs and start over in the United States. Then three years later, her husband died suddenly, which threw her life into turmoil in a country she barely knew. Incredibly tragic story, and I was impressed with her resilience and strength. She was applying for asylum, and her green card was in process. She’s not allowed to leave the U.S. until it’s decided, which could take years. Didn’t like hearing this because I like to travel overseas, but it obviously wasn’t a deal-breaker.
I saw her twice, a few weeks apart due to work travel conflicts. The second time we visited two cool museums in NYC and had an early dinner. Had a pretty deep conversation over dinner where she really opened up and disclosed that her husband had had affairs but they decided to stay together, and she still loved him even though he had caused her pain. I shared similar experiences about myself. Both times I saw her, she emitted this feeling of sadness and loss, which wasn’t surprising at all given what she’s been through. She seemed shellshocked and numb, honestly, like she was going through the motions of dating. I totally understood this and could feel it, but one thing I’m trying to avoid now is being someone’s emotional security blanket in this type of situation. She seemed very strong-willed, so it may not have played out this way, but she didn’t seem truly ready to connect with anyone. The bigger issue is she gave no clear indication that she was into me, and there was no spark or edge between us after two dates. Total friend vibe. Even though she seemed open to seeing me again, I didn’t pursue a third date.
The Latina
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Hinge. Puerto Rican, long black hair, brown eyes and skin, 5’6″, 53, lives really close three towns from me, runs her own consulting firm. Type A, very extroverted, well-educated, with a strong personality. Two teenage kids of whom she has primary custody, which sometimes creates scheduling challenges because her ex-husband lives in the City. We texted and got on the phone pretty quickly after connecting on the app. Good vibe on the phone, but she was quite intense, as all Type A’s are, and this heavy energy can rub me the wrong way. She was authentic, but didn’t show much self-deprecation or vulnerability, which is something I look for. Lastly, she had this annoying habit of pronouncing every Spanish word like the characters in this hilarious SNL sketch, which may have been normal for her given her Puerto Rican background, but drove me fucking crazy right off the bat:
We met at a pub in her town, which she chose. I loved the fact that she lived so close to me. It was surreal only having to drive 5 miles to meet someone instead of an hour or more (or having to get on a fucking plane). Had drinks and then grabbed a bite for dinner because we were vibing. Talked about work, travel, our backgrounds, divorces. I liked her more in person. It was free-flowing and nice.
To my great surprise, she was a *reverse* catfish. She looked BETTER than the pictures on her profile, which almost never happens. I couldn’t believe it. I’m super attracted to Latin women in the first place–they’re very much my type, and she was in incredible shape. Like out of my league shape. Half of me was wondering what the hell she saw in me physically by comparison. She looked ten years younger than her age and had on this sleeveless leather minidress that showed off her arms which were toned and muscular. Fucking sexy. She said she runs every day and eats clean, and it showed.
Since she was such a strong extrovert, I asked her what she thought of the introvert versus extrovert dynamic in relationships, since I leaned more introvert. This was fresh in my mind after it came up in a final conversation with XX. Does she get along with people like that, or does she prefer pronounced extroverts like herself? She said it depended on the person and didn’t really matter as a baseline. She’d dated both and preferred introverts because two extroverts with big energy can be fun initially but sometimes lean too heavy that way, which creates imbalance. Her son is an introvert, so she had a lot of experience with them too and understands them well. Noted.
She had plans to meet friends nearby and had to leave about an hour after we got there, which was fine. I figured this was her pre-planned out in case we had no connection. It’s actually a good idea. May adopt myself. When we parted ways, she insisted on a hug which was nice. She was very warm and affectionate, which didn’t come across on the phone, and man, her body was hard and felt fucking great. There was definite mutual attraction between us, a good spark. I’m sometimes bad at reading if someone is interested in me, but Type As are easy to read. We agreed to see each other again.
So what happened? Life happened. I had to travel to Utah for work, then I had M. the following weekend, which killed any date possibilities. Then she had to go to Austin for work the following week. It destroyed all the momentum. We texted here and there, but it slowly petered out. I blame myself for most of it because she was texting consistently initially, and I wasn’t reciprocating because I felt like it was moving too fast. I don’t like calling and texting too much before meeting someone in person. We still have each other’s numbers and haven’t unmatched each other yet, so we didn’t cut anything off permanently. I may revisit this person at some point, but a part of me wonders if the attraction was fully there. There’s a reason I wasn’t more proactive in spite of my physical attraction to her.
FIELD NOTES: SUBJECT’S MOJO PERIOD
This period is noted by a stronger emotional break with the past and increased motivation to move forward, a restoration of confidence and self-value, and a genuine, as opposed to half-hearted or hedged, interest in meeting new people. There’s some overlap between the Mojo Period and Recovery Period, with no clear boundary between the two. Sometimes it’s two steps forward, one step back. But the permanent shift towards the Mojo Period increases with time and more internal work.
As noted, Subject restarted therapy during this period, which is helping him understand himself better and contextualize his past relationships. Subject is doing the work and in the process of healing. He’s not completely there, but is well on his way to getting his mojo back.
The Bulgarian
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Hinge. Short reddish black hair, brown eyes, nerdy glasses, cute, fit, 5’4″, likes the outdoors, rock-climber, 54 years old, sexy Eastern Block accent straight from a James Bond movie. Never married, no kids. Works as a tenured professor at CUNY. Lives in Astoria with two roommates, which allows her to save money and support a life of relatively minimal work and lots of overseas travel. She only works full time two days a week and has summers off. I still don’t understand how this works. Wanted to meet due to interesting background and sarcastic, edgy vibe on the phone. She’s been in the country for 27 years, so has an accent but there’s no language barrier, so my humor still hit.
Met at a midtown bistro on a gorgeous Sunday night that felt like summer. Sunday night is an unusual time for a jaunt into the City for me. I also had just gotten over a case of conjunctivitis and wasn’t feeling great. She was cool, down to earth, and full of great stories about her family when they still lived in Bulgaria back during the Cold War in the 1980s. We’re around the same age, so this was when the Soviet Union existed, a period that encompassed most of my childhood and has always interested me. Our conversation was interesting and intellectually stimulating. We talked about the ideals of socialism and communism, which I studied in college, and how human nature destroys any possibility of either system working in reality. She had many stories about how this was true during her childhood in Bulgaria. Her father was a doctor who had allied with the socialists before they took over Bulgaria after WWII. When they prevailed her family was provided with all kinds of special perks that the average person did not enjoy. Her mother also held a position that dictated which girls and women would be permitted to get an abortion, and which would not. This was a hugely powerful position that also led to a lot of greased palms and special perks for her family.
We had a good vibe and interesting conversation, but there was no physical spark. She also has way more free time than me, with fewer daily obligations. We’re basically living totally different lives and don’t have much in common. Too much was missing, so no second date.
The Jersey Girl (2.0)
Subject’s Field Notes: Connected on Hinge. Great smile, nose ring, Italian, 5’0″, 44, easygoing, grounded, a graphic designer. Not my usual physical type, but decided to take a chance after she messaged me because I liked her smile, laid-back nature, and positivity, which came through in her profile and our phone conversations. She was extroverted and outgoing without being over the top about it. A nice combination. Lives an hour away in New Jersey, ironically in the same town where I met Jersey Girl 1.0 for our date. Previously married but no kids.
Broke my rule and did way too much texting and speaking before we met in person. After some great initial banter, we started texting and speaking on the phone fairly quickly. Then our communications moved rapidly towards a focused interaction, the intense kind that causes a lot people to fall into a relationship without fully intending to. I’ve been there many many times. She wanted to talk every night on the phone before we even met in person once. I was wary but honestly loved the attention. Even though I wasn’t sure how I felt about her yet, she seemed to really like me, and I liked that. I was probably starving for it, if I’m being honest. My need for validation–specifically, having someone give me focused attention and express their attraction to me in a way I hadn’t felt since XX–got the best of me. We’re all human, so I won’t be too hard on myself, but this is why I didn’t put the brakes on our pre-meeting calls and texts. For about a week, we texted multiple times a day and spoke for an hour every night. Sirens were going off in my head. I noted them, and in the back of my mind was careful not to get too attached or invested in her until we met. I even gave her this warning in a nice way during one of our calls. She didn’t seem to appreciate it. It was clear to me that her baseline for establishing a relationship was much lower than mine.
We met in person about a week or so after our initial texting. It could have been worse, but we’d laid so much intimacy down on the phone and in increasingly sexual texts (this part was totally my fault; old habits die hard) that I was worried we’d built it up too much and were walking into disappointment. We actually had a great time, and we had decent physical chemistry that led to an extended make-out sesh under a cherry blossom tree in a park nearby, and then again in my car. She was the first person I’d kissed since XX and it felt fucking great, like handing a glass of cold water to someone who’s been lost in the desert. I exorcised a lot of internal demons that night. She loved my beard and my cologne, and I loved hearing her tell me that she loved my beard and my cologne. Mmmmm. Mmmmm. Dopamine, how I’ve missed you!
Sidenote: For cologne, I went with Tom Ford Oud Wood, which is expensive as fuck but smells fantastic, so I wear it a lot on first dates. I know it smells great because a gay friend of mine I met for dinner in NYC one night said HE loved it, and he’s a picky bastard who rarely compliments anyone. This was the third time I’d worn it on a first date, but she was the first person who connected with me enough to smell it up close.
Got home to a nice text from her, and then another the following morning saying she couldn’t stop thinking about me and was seriously attracted to me. It felt really amazing and validating to have someone say those things after a really difficult, ego-crushing few months dealing with someone who, uh…. didn’t feel the same way about me.
But things are never simple, are they? I didn’t feel the way she did. For me, that ‘extra’ spark I need to feel to take things further wasn’t there beyond the physical. The biggest issue was we didn’t share enough of the same interests. She’s really into nature and observing the fine details of plants and trees and flowers, etc. While this translates into her being an incredibly sensual and self-aware person, it also meant that she brought these things up all the time, like in every conversation. No judgments, but I can only talk about this shit for like 5-10 minutes before I get bored. The same thing with food, which she was really into as well. The finer details of the composition and tastes of sauces and mixes and garnishes and dishes and seasonings, and on and on and on. Fuuuck. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely appreciate a nice restaurant and a great meal, and I LOVE to go out and eat, but my relationship with food is primarily utilitarian, not for pleasure (give or take chocolate chip cookies and molten lava cake and black raspberry ice cream). I eat for sustenance and the vast majority of the time, I couldn’t care less how it’s prepared, as long as it’s healthy, not full of garbage, and doesn’t taste like shit. I also intermittent fast regularly, so I only eat two meals a day. Food is not a priority or major interest in my life.
Bottom line, I can only talk about food and nature for maybe 15 minutes, max. While I appreciate them both, long discussions about them bore the living fuck out of me. Conversely, she didn’t seem very interested in social issues or politics, wasn’t into sports, and the only thing she watched on television was documentaries. These subjects bore the fuck out of some other people, I get it. But it’s a compatibility issue. I need to be able to talk to whoever I’m with about anything and everything. We both liked music, which was a possible compatibility, but she was into the Dead and classical music, and I like alternative music, 70s, and 80s. Now, these differences were potentially surmountable. I don’t need to like everything someone else likes, and I don’t expect them to like everything I like. But there needs to be SOME minimal overlap. We didn’t have that.
I know I probably sound like an over-picky douchebag, but you really had to be there. The biggest problem was how we communicated. Due to our relative lack of mutual interests, our conversations were sometimes stilted, glossy, and superficial. We’d hit roadblocks and awkward silences, which was unusual for me. She was also very focused on positivity and didn’t like to talk about past relationships, past experiences, etc. very much. She told me one guy tried to do that and she felt like she was his therapist. This chilled some of our conversation because I began censoring myself. I love talking about that shit because it’s interesting to me, and you learn a lot about a person that way. I like to dig. I like to get dirt under my fingernails about life, why we’re here, how our minds work, what happens when we die, what we’ve learned in life, what was joyful, what was painful, all of it. I need to be with someone who likes to talk about those things and experience life in the same way. But she would change the subject, gloss over topics, or try to put a cap on the conversation bottle in a way that suggested she didn’t like to face negative situations or feelings in life for very long. Major red flags. I don’t want to feel like I can’t bring something up with someone, or that they’re going to be annoyed or judge me if I do. Ex. was like that, and I constantly felt like I was navigating a minefield with her. I’m not doing that shit again.
She was very genuine and authentic in many ways, and incredibly transparent about her feelings, which I really liked, but I didn’t feel like I could be my real self with her. One could say: Well how much could you tell from one date? Why not go out again and figure things out? Because I know already. I know people, and I know myself. We spoke every night for a week before we met in person. If that ‘extra’ was there, that intellectual spark, I would have felt it in that time, and I didn’t. In time, she would have seen this herself. She’s blind to it now because I think she liked me physically, maybe hasn’t connected with someone in a while, and misses being in a relationship. I don’t need another date to see that.
RESEARCHER’S SUMMARY/SUBJECT’S CURRENT STATUS & OUTLOOK
- Subject has come a long way since October 2023. Time, therapy, and his developing instincts are working in his favor. His mindset and outlook are much improved. He is trusting and enjoying the process, which is slow but steady.
- Subject is doing the internal work and not indulging in temporary weakness. Better yet, he is recognizing these weaknesses in real time, which is a sign of progress.
- Subject is being selective and enjoying getting to know different women, as opposed to feeling like he ‘must’ do so. He only goes on a date when he feels a genuine interest and only after engaging in what he refers to as ‘a vibe check.’
- Subject is no longer interested in a serious relationship right away and prefers to date casually until he meets someone who really sparks his interest. He understands that this may take months or even years. He’s fine with this, transparent in his intentions with other people, and is approaching dating with a clear and open mind. His focus is on himself and seeing his own value, rather than requiring validation from women to achieve this.
- On a less progressive front, Subject has repeatedly stated that he is starved for physical intimacy. Frankly, he won’t shut about it. While he fully understands that being honest and pursuing people for the right reasons is more important, through his typical use of sexual euphemisms, Subject contends that his “box of TNT is increasingly unstable and prone to accidental detonation.” Researcher finds Subject’s thinly-disguised sexual metaphors off-putting, and has advised Subject that he should avoid using them on dates. Subject responded: “Fine. It’s been months, dude. Months! I really need to give someone a jolly good rogering soon. Totally consensually of course. How’s that?“
- Subject is still a work in progress.
