I picked up M. at aftercare the other night and ran into the father of one of M.’s aftercare friends — someone I’d gotten to know a bit over the past year through our daughters’ playdates and birthday parties. A year ago, I was still in the midst of finalizing my divorce and adjusting to life as a soon-to-be-divorced single dad surrounded by much younger parents. All of them seemed very happily married, including this guy and his wife.
You know how sometimes you get an instant vibe from people the first time you meet them? I’m very much like that. I either really like someone right away or I don’t. Usually my initial feelings don’t change. In this case, I liked these two right away. Both of them were incredibly welcoming and kind when I came to their house for M.’s playdate. It’s always an awkward interaction when you’re meeting adult strangers through your child and visiting their house like an overaged trick-or-treater on an extended stay. But they smiled appropriately at my self-deprecating divorce jokes and nodded empathetically when I explained why I couldn’t have their daughter visit our nonexistent house the following weekend. There was no “our,” and there was no “house.” Awkward again having to explain my situation to people I was meeting for the first time, why I lived the next town over, why M. lives in two places, and why I needed to check my custody schedule before arranging the next playdate. Sure, divorce is more popular than it’s ever been (yay!), but when you’re going through this yourself, it feels like you’re wearing a neon “D” on your forehead. You feel like a social outcast seeking re-entry into a prestigious community of successfully married people. You failed and they didn’t. Loser!
Maybe it was all in my head. I’m sure it was. But these two people, a young couple with two young daughters who lived not far from my daughter’s school, were really laid back and cool about it, and my self-consciousness evaporated pretty quickly. I liked them. They were people I could actually see myself becoming friends with. I got the same vibe from them each time I saw them, and I thought to myself: They have it — they get each other, they speak the same language, they work together, they seem like they’re on the same page. This is what I want. Something just like this. Eventually. Not now. I need to cleanse my relationship palette first, and that may take a while.
So…. given my prior interactions with, and instincts about, these two, it came as quite a shock when I rolled down my car window the other night and the male half of this wonderful couple told me (out of earshot of his daughter) that they are getting divorced. Whaaaat the fuck???
I have plenty of friends and family who are divorced. I have other friends and family who probably should be. I just went through one myself. I have no illusions about relationships and how quickly and easily they can come to an end. Still, I was shocked when he told me. And incredibly sad. I didn’t know them well, obviously. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage. But this surprised me, and I’m not sure why because my opinion was based on some pretty limited data points. Yet, I’d like to think I have pretty good instincts about people. I definitely missed something big this time.
I told him I was so sorry and stupidly blurted out “You seemed so happy” before immediately withdrawing it. “Well I’m sure that’s what people thought about me and Ex too.” We didn’t have a lot of time to talk because his daughter was patiently waiting in the car, but he told me his wife had met someone else, and they were in the process of preparing a separation agreement. I told him to call me any time if he needed someone to talk to, and we made plans to hang out soon and talk some more.
His wife met someone else?
His wife met someone else. Which brings us to today’s topic: Monogamy.
Let’s get a few disclaimers out of the way now. What shall follow are my unvarnished thoughts and opinions as a recently-divorced, a-religious, straight white male in the year 2020. That’s actually what this entire blog is, in case anyone hasn’t figured that out yet. Unvarnished. Thoughts and feelings currently in my head. Yes, I’m recently divorced (not so recently separated, however), and of course this means that I have a certain bias about relationships and marriage. But while my thoughts on monogamy are influenced by the experience of my marriage and divorce, they are not a product of either. My beliefs about monogamy have existed for a long time and pre-date my marriage. I have thought about this a lot. If anything, my feelings on the subject have been solidified by my marital experience and its aftermath. They’re still evolving, but this is the first time I’ve written them down and shared them with more than one person at a time. Finally, and this should go without saying: not everything I’m about to say is based on my own personal experience, so try not to assume too much.
I haven’t thoroughly researched the history of monogamy, and I don’t pretend to be an anthropologist, but it’s my understanding based on some cursory reading that modern monogamy has only existed for about 1000 years. Here are a few stats I came across with The Google:
- Only 17% of human cultures are strictly monogamous.
- In only 9% of all mammal species, males and females will share a common territory for more than one breeding season and in some cases bond for life.
- In the primate species, which are especially monogamous, only 25% of male and female primates bond.
- One anthropological study from 2012 indicated that long-lasting monogamous marriages were not the norm outside Western countries until very recently. It further pointed out that roughly 85% of societies known in the anthropological record allowed men to marry multiple wives.
- Lifelong monogamous marriages, as a rare social institution, can be traced back to classical Greece and Rome, and did not begin its global spread until recent centuries.
The reasons why monogamy and modern marriage came about vary from survival as a species, to ensuring the viability of offspring, to protection from predators, to avoiding STDs, to social adaptation, to passing on wealth and privilege.
I’m not as interested in the reasons why monogamy came about as I am in the reasons why people struggle with it in modern society. I’ve come to the conclusion that one reason people have trouble with it is because it’s not a natural state for human beings. Rather, it’s a choice made by two people for entirely conditional reasons. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it always involves a fight against human instincts and needs, both physical, intellectual, spiritual, and most importantly, emotional. That’s a tough row to hoe. Relationships are formed when two people come together based on an intoxicating, but temporary, release of endorphins and all those good feels in the brain and procreative regions. To me, this is one of the most mysterious and fascinating things about the human experience. It’s quite addictive. That exciting “new” feeling. That new human smell. Exploring someone for the first time in all those thrilling ways. Over time of course, it wears off. Ask anyone who’s married. It’s normal and increasingly, it’s expected that the initial passion will wear off. How the hell can you keep that new feeling for 5 or 10 or 20 years? Impossible.
So my hypothesis is that all monogamous relationships are conditional, and there’s no such thing as unconditional love. Maybe there’s an exception for one’s relationship with one’s children, which is about as unconditional as it gets in my limited experience. (Sidenote: Even that precious relationship is conditional for a lot of people, as child abuse and abandonment statistics suggest. Some people are really fucked up and have no business being parents.)
Soulmates? Are you fucking kidding me? Pull your nose out of your Danielle Steele, please.
To be more precise, the “conditional” aspect I’m talking about is the requirement that some, most, or all of one’s human needs are being met by one’s partner, significant other, or spouse. People stay monogamous based on shared experience, often including children, friendships, and extended family, and mutual fulfillment of those aforementioned human needs. Notably, those human needs have expanded significantly in modern society. Human beings originally became monogamous for survival reasons and they’re living way longer. When marriage was invented, a human being’s lifespan was what, 35 years? Less? Weren’t Romeo and Juliet 16 years old or something? (It showed. Idiots.)
Today people want it all from their monogamous mates: emotional support, intellectual stimulation, financial security, taking out the garbage, cleaning the toilet, and great sex (at least for a while). I don’t feel like retyping these needs every time, so let’s call them “Modern Human Needs” or “MHNs”. Some MHNs are more important than others, and it varies by person. A woman in a relationship might really value great sex and someone who cleans the toilet every Saturday without being asked, and her mate might really value communication and emotional support and being allowed to further his writing career while his wife brings home the bacon. (Yes, I have read The Five Love Languages. I’m “Words of Affirmation” and “Physical Touch” in case you know Emily Ratajkowski.)
When one’s most valued MHNs aren’t being met, depending on their significance and the duration of their absence, ahhh, that’s when the relationship conditions are being violated and the relationship contract is at risk of being broken entirely. You either honestly convey your needs and fix that shit with some real communication and counseling or you’re done.
Because monogamy is unnatural, eventually one or both of you is/are going to look to someone else to fulfill those MHNs, and it will probably happen sooner rather than later. You may not even realize it’s happening or that you’re doing it yourself. The human temptations that were already flowing just below the surface — the ones you’d been tamping down to remain monogamous — will break through the cold, hardened crust of your unfulfilled relationship like a newly active volcano. Then comes the lava: infidelity, emotional or physical, and increasing distance from your partner. When the lava really starts flowing, the death of a monogamous relationship becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because every second of attention that you’re giving to or receiving from someone else is a second of attention that you’re not giving to your partner. It’s a cruel irony that just when the relationship desperately needs MORE attention and focus, it gets less. The emotional and physical deprivation snowballs to the point that it becomes unstoppable, and then… the bell tolls for thee, my friend.
And still… STILL when MHNs are not being met, many people still choose to remain monogamous (the non-cheaters, I mean). Why? That seems counterintuitive. Actually it’s not. Inertia and fear of the unknown are powerful glue, and there are massive disincentives to end a monogamous relationship, particularly a marital one: a big financial hit, a negative change in lifestyle, a negative impact on children, family disruption, loss of friendships and family relationships, the total shit sandwich that is The Divorce Process, and having to start over on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, or eHarmony, which are their own form of Hell. On this, I speak from experience. Who the holy fuck wants to start dating again, much less on a bunch of Amazon People Shopping Apps, at the age of 50, if they have a choice? Big disincentive.
Did I mention inertia? Let’s face it, once you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s easier to stay in it. It takes a lot to leave. How many times did I think I’m happy enough. This will pass. This is marriage, this is normal. It will get better, something will flip this script. But the only thing that passed was the years. The only thing that got flipped was my sense of reality and well-being. The only thing that became normal was a mediocre life and having a dark raincloud over my head. It did not get better. Despite all of this, I stayed and so did she, for a long time. There were and are LOTS of reasons not to end a monogamous relationship, no matter how unfulfilling, boring, mediocre, or abusive it is. I sure do miss that fucking tax break!
I know the romantics of the world don’t like the word “conditional” when it comes to love. It’s almost Valentine’s Day too. This is a cold shower I’m running, isn’t it? I know my attitude sucks and people must think I’m an unromantic, cynical bastard for saying that all monogamous relationships are conditional. True love is UNconditional! Putting the other person FIRST, before yourself! Thinking of their needs and becoming ONE in the marital relationship! Building a life together!
But those are ideals. What we strive for in our relationships. What we fantasize about. Those ideals are the product of romantic drugs that Hollywood has fed us for decades. With the exception of fine films like Kramer v. Kramer and Marriage Story, Hollywood makes it seem like the amazing monogamous relationships we see on the screen are rare and elusive yes, but attainable and incredible when they happen! You just have to search for it! Or let it find you. Your soulmate is out there. Your missing piece. Just be open to the universe and they will come. Open your eyes, embrace love, and you can have your special someone. It always happens when you least expect it! Your life can be a Rom-Com!
Horseshit. Let’s get real. You can still be a romantic at heart and believe that all relationships are conditional. Today unconditional love until death do us part is about as common as finding a dinosaur fossil in the state of Maine. How many people in 50 year marriages do you know? It’s a different world now. I think a big part of the problem is that people expect too much from their monogamous relationships thanks to societal norms and what they see, hear, and read. Relationships fail because people don’t communicate and adapt to reality, which is distinctly unromantic. If we’re being honest, long-term monogamous relationships are closer to a corporate/roommate partnership than they are to a romantic, idealistic love island. Are there exceptions? Sure. I’m sure there are still a few 70 year-olds who are Cialis-fucking like rabbits and enjoying the special sauce of chemistry after 50 years of marriage. But they’re as prevalent as a Javan Rhino. I don’t live in exceptions, and I don’t want to hear about 70 year-olds fucking like rabbits, even though I plan to be one.
Today, it’s until death do us conditionally part. To be clear, I’m not making a case for polygamy here. I don’t think that’s natural either, and lord knows it’s exhausting enough trying to make one person happy. I simply believe, as one of my Twitter friends would say, that “Humans are gonna human.” Monogamy can be wonderful — I know a few people in great monogamous relationships (or seemingly so) — but it’s always a struggle. People are needy as fuck. You can’t fight human nature any more than you can fight mother nature.
So it would behoove all monogamists to get real. Talk about subjects that scare people in relationships: attraction to other people, which is normal; emotional needs and how to meet them; physical needs and how to meet them; how you’ve changed over time; fantasies about “new” and ways to fulfill them without destroying the relationship. Communicate. Expand what you’re willing to consider. Don’t judge the other person for being honest about The Scary and Taboo. People are human. Staying with one person for decades, or even one decade, is not normal. Today, temptations are everywhere, including on that superpowered sext-capable cell phone that you both spend 80% of your day and night on instead of interacting honestly and raw-ly with each other. Focus on the reality of need fulfillment, disclosed and undisclosed. Don’t take the other person for granted, no matter how long you’ve been monogamous. Validate their feelings and needs, no matter how much they trigger you. Then your monogamy may actually last beyond its conditional expiration date.
I am The Ghost of Relationships Past, Present, and Yet to Come, and I say to thee: Adapt or die. Or continue being satisfied with the status quo. Maybe it’s good enough. Maybe it’s not. You’ll find out eventually.
